New Shoes

Plucky fellow survivors, I am neither doctor nor psychiatrist, but I might have been in another life, if given the opportunity. I do know some helpful stuff that I wish to share with you in your journey away from Narcissism. Please know that in making your choice to “outgrow” your narcissistic family, you now stand alongside an army of brave beings who, like you, stand in their better fitting "shoes." In taking a giant leap away from narcissism, they've taken responsibility for their own lives, just as you have. Like you, they may have looked back from time to time, but they could've never jumped back into narcissism.

I am not the same person I was a decade ago and yet, every day I’m becoming more like myself than I ever was before. I am coming back to me and I like it. My belief is that you will, too. I'd made it a point to figure out what was going on with me and what was going on with my family and it took six years. I changed because I didn’t like who I had become. I had been made weak, indecisive. I was too eager for other people’s crumbs. I had been turned into a groveling “yes” person who had no idea what she wanted out of life, disabled from making simple menu choices at the drive thru McDonalds to being able to conceptualize any life’s goals I may have dreamed of. 

This may be the case for you.

We'd looked to a mother and siblings to make my choices for us and to a father who, along with the mother and siblings, at every turn, took away our options and hung us out to dry at important life moments. The truth was dawning and we woke to see that we had allowed the complete neglect of our core beings for the whims of others. 

 I don't know about you, but I'm not proud to admit that I remained the "child" well into adulthood. 

When we choose to grow, we outgrow the "shoes" we are currently “wearing.” What we outgrow may include our narcissistic family. Along with the giving up of a narcissistic birth family may come the shedding of well-meaning but fully unaware friends. Even relatives other than our siblings may withdraw from us, shocked that we would abandon our family. We may not have seen that one coming, the loss of friends or of outlying family. Friends whom we thought were just that–friends–may not support abandonment of family, no matter how furtive our explanations. To a non narcissistic person the whole of narcissism is just so unbelievable. For the uninitiated, there remains a lack of awareness concerning the workings of narcissism and its devastating effects. Sadly, used-to-be-friends side in disbelief with our narcissistic families. However, should this happens to you, you will find support. Fortunately, much more help is available to survivors than was when I was seeking answers to my predicament.

When we choose to walk away from the narcissistic family system we learn to expect the unexpected. However, out here is a compassionate community of thriving beings willing to support you. And they all have put on their grownup shoes...

No way would I have returned to the narcissists’ fold in order to get friends back. It would be like trying to squeeze into those tiny, hurty shoes all over again! Even the thought now gives me a tummy ache. No, the pain of returning to the fold of the narcissists would have been far worse than what I was already suffering. My heart of hearts told me that if I went back into the narcissistic family fold they would make me pay.

In the mean time, I'd found new friends and support systems that fit better with who I am. So, I made the heart-wringing decision to let go of my birth family, disbelieving friends and members of a social support whom I loved but had outgrown.

In that light, the choice was easy.