Power

When I first learned about Power, I was shocked to learn that I actually had it. I’d previously thought power only belonged to others, certainly never to me. I don’t know what I was waiting for, but I do know I truly had no idea there was power inside me. Even now, if someone tells me I have power, even after testing it out and using my power from time to time when it suddenly rises from deep inside, even now I do not think of myself as being powerful. My idea of power continues to evolve. Maybe by the time I die I will have figured the power thing out. Here’s what I’ve learned about power so far, fellow survivors of the narcissistic family cult.

Our fear of power in others used to prevent (and sometimes prevents us, still), from fully using our own. 

I do not yet believe in the powerful parts of me, though I really want to and sometimes I do believe and am surprised by it. I want to get used to using my power on a regular basis. I want power to spring naturally from within, like in the few instances I have caught glimpses of how easy it felt when it happened, how smooth and effortless.

Every time we use our power, we become less afraid of it.

My ever-maturing idea of personal power makes me think it’s no longer the power but the idea of my power that intimidates me. Well, I can work with that. When the idea of using my personal power was first posed to me by my amazing life coach, the idea might as well have come from a distant galaxy. It was as if I was trying to understand the customs of an alien world. Once I grasped the concept that there is actual power within me and not just in others, I came to think of power as a sword. I became less afraid of the sword, then. But that wasn't the whole story.

Then I felt the burden of figuring out how to use my power. This was awkward at first, because I had to divorce myself from the power others used to have over me, which I’d grown afraid of. I’d only known the ugly power of authoritarianism, power over me, used to control and intimidate, so of course that was what I associated power with, even if it was mine. I had to divorce from the false view that the power lying inside me was “bad,” just because it was associated with me!  

Once I got used to the idea that power could be good and that it was not only right to use my power but it was necessary for getting by in this world, I was on the way to thinking about my own power as a constructive force rather than a destructive one, as I had understood it. Then I discovered that power isn't about wielding a weapon. True power is about the weilding of the heart.

True power can be the power NOT to do something or power NOT to react. Power to respond with grace. Power to restrain. Power to be kind when what we really want to do is to lash out. Power isn't in a sword. True power tells us what or what not to do with the sword. Power is also about when not to accept something--it could be anything--or when not to say something. I soon came to learn that my power had been waiting quietly all along, deep within me, patiently waiting for me to tap into it when I was ready.

Narcissists try to grab our power as their own because they have to feed the power vacuum inside them; they have no power inside themselves. So they steal it from us, or make us feel like we have none. 

But we do. Have power. Of our own. 

We were led to believe, by manipulation and coercion, that we did not, when, in fact, we did have all the power all along. When we discover our power, we are amazed. Because of our autonomy (our self-governance), power has always been part of who we are, power ready to be used in a constructive way.

We’ve seen power used in ugly, hurtful ways by ugly-spirited people, and we’ve been afraid we would use power in the same way as the narcissists, but we won’t. Let’s tap into our autonomy and let our power come forth. We may make some mistakes, yes, but we’ll get better at using our power, soon. Promise.