The Toxic Playbook Silver Lining

As our understanding increases and the toxic family damage unfolds, we get totally horrified at the breadth and depth of what has been done to us. This understanding can send us reeling. When we were inside the toxic, narcissistic system we’d been outnumbered. Now, we’re alone, trying to make a decision on how to best proceed. We feel ill-equipped and unpracticed at this thing called life. We don’t have a proper playbook, no good example. 

Or, do we?

Little sponges, us, we’re eager to learn everything we can about toxic red flags, about narcissistic behavior in all its forms. We also set about learning everything we can about what normal is. Let’s remember that, in our learning quest (thanks to the fantastic work of leading psychiatrists such as Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Ross Rosenberg, Dr. Craig Malkin and many others, there is plenty of info available), let’s not miss out on the tremendous gift the toxic family has left us. As ill-prepared for life as we may be, there’s a silver lining: the toxic folks have left us some tantalizingly clear instructions in their real-life playbook.

Contrary to what the toxic family believes, their “playbook” doesn’t dish out instructions on how to be; rather, it informs how NOT to be (if we play it right). The toxic playbook is quite detailed., and that’s the silver lining. Most of us committed their playbook to memory in order to survive! Now we recommit it to how not to be. The toxic family doesn't count on us survivors paying attention to this kind of thing, then turning it on its head. HA! Take that, you toxic people you!

How not to shame and guilt others, how not to control, manipulate guilt or coerce. How not to gaslight, belittle, berate or cheat. How not to be cruel and sadistic. How not to act entitled. How not to wear a mask. How not to be a martyr, etc. The play list goes on. And on and on. 

Finally, a silver lining!

We can use the toxic family playbook to break the chain that kept us psychologically imprisoned for so many years. While we grapple with the enormity of even thinking of leaving a toxic family system (or staying in out of necessity), survivors can feel totally alone. This is family, after all. But we can at least start by opposing what the toxic family constantly warned against: instead of listening only to them and their minions, instead of trusting our precious souls only to them, we can finally dig deep and consult our instincts, ask advice from our very essence. We can go against the toxic narcissistic playbook and trust ourselves completely. 

We oppose the narcissistic playbook on How You Should Be At This Thing Called Life. 

We choose how we’re NOT gonna be!

Not to say that we won’t make mistakes, because we will. However, when we practice the opposite of what was expected of us in the toxic family cult playbook, we end up on the right track, pretty much every time.