Who Am I?

When I was deep in the throes of a toxic family, my body kept shouting at me that something had gone very wrong. Having no knowledge of what narcissism was and what it could do to me physically, I ignored the alarms my body sent out: a clenched gut, difficulty swallowing, nervous habits, GERD, inability to rest, etc., until one day I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror and was shocked to see how radically changed my visage was. I barely recognized myself. The deep and heinous stresses created by a controlling, narcissistic birth family and a toxic marriage of 25 years had turned me into something unrecognizable. Staring back was a face that didn’t match my concept of who I believed I was. My personality had gone out of my eyes. In its place was a lifeless, globular red-cheeked ventriloquist's doll reflecting back at me and I felt a chill. My eyes were dead. Depression had crept in and masked my essence and I truly despaired. How could I look like this? Worse, how in the world could I get myself back? Up till now, it hadn’t occurred to me that I should even find a way out of my situation. Somehow, though, in the mirror a primitive understanding, a five-alarm fire alarm flashed through me and lit me up. I had to get out from underneath all of it.

But I hadn’t the faintest idea where to begin.

In a toxic birth family, options are not a thing. Familial roadblocks teach us we have no choice over virtually anything, so we give up trying. We are beaten down psychologically into believing nothing can be done to make changes over a single thing in our life. 

One thing I did know, I didn’t want to spend the next twenty years of my life being that depressed, anxious, downturny-mouthed ventriloquist’s doll. That much I knew for sure–who I didn’t want to be. But I panicked, having no clue how to change who I’d become. That was the worst part. After all, I’d been moulded into an entirely different shape! 

I simply had to get myself back.

As I learned about narcissism through books and the wonder of Youtube, I was horrified to realize that the narcissistic system had dictated who I was, what I looked like, how I behaved, how I dressed, what my worth was, even how I thought. I’d had to guard my facial expressions, lest they reveal my true thoughts.

This is one of many problems with narcissists. In their ongoing theft of us, we are taken over, thrown into the toxic cauldron, heated to melting, poured out and molded into their idea of us. We aren’t allowed to explore who we truly are because their system cannot allow it. This is nothing short of attempted soul robbery. Attempted because they couldn’t get all the parts of us, could they? They couldn’t get our essence! (They tried!)

So, if we were stolen for a while, remolded for a while, then who are we, now? 

I’ll tell you who we are! Still us is who we are. We stand on our own recognizance, though perhaps a little (lot!) battle-worn. But let’s take heart: though their robbery may have been successful for a while, their theft of us could neither be complete nor permanent unless we let it. Oh, how the toxic family cult wanted a permanent takeover! 

Now begins the true work: recovery of self. Where to begin? 

Here’s a good place to start. Every morning in front of the bathroom mirror, take a compassionate look in the mirror. I’ll do it with you. Let’s be super-brave and ask the question “Who am I?”

We can take our sweet time answering, can’t we? 

“You are you, is all, and that is everything.” 

Take compassion and take yourself in. Then, smile. I’ll do it with you. Many thousand survivors will do it with you.

Also, you could say, (because the spoken word is so powerful), “I remember you.

 I love you, and I will get you back-every piece of you.”

Yes, you will.

When the toxic folks stress you out, remember the mirror. 

You are everything and that’s worth a lot.